she says isn't it ironic, all I want is gin and platonic.

[intrikate88]

Asexuality and the Doctor
-a possibly queer theory look at the labels in Doctor Who, my own experience with that identity, and a post that may be kept updated with new thoughts-

In the epic wars of Doctor Who fandom, one particular battle has stood out, often dividing the fans of Classic Doctor Who from those of Russell T. Davies' new series. While the fans of the newer series often proclaim that the Doctor is in love with Rose/Martha/Donna/Jack/Reinette/Other in a manner that suggests the canon we don't see involves many pairs of knickers flung over the TARDIS console, some who grew up snuggling Tom Baker's scarf insist that the Doctor is, in fact, asexual. Either of these labels is problematic, however, because often with all this tossing about of labels, the actual experience and existence of those people with an asexual orientation is obscured.

The first thing it is important to realize is that, like with any sexuality, like with any person, experiences of attraction, relationship, and other facets of life vary widely from person to person. Even those that fit into the heteronormative group are all unique from one relationship to the next. I'll discuss some of the situations I've experienced and the responses I've received as I've identified as an asexual (and even before) but those are my experiences, (as a sex-positive asexual feminist, among other things) and other asexuals may have different ones.

Let's start out with a basic definition of asexual, when it comes to orientation:

"An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are." (AVEN)


That's where we start. It isn't someone who is repressing sexual impulses; it isn't someone who is unable to have sex because of a medical condition, and it certainly isn't limited to amoebas and reproducing by oneself! While scientific studies are only beginning to widely include research on this orientation, asexuality was noticed as far back as Kinsey's "Sexual Behavior in the Human Male" which recognized approximately one percent of the test population experienced no sexual desire, and he marked those down as 'X'. There have been studies and scholarship done since then which further explore this and a brief mention of them can be found on Wikipedia if you look up asexuality.

There's even this character sketch in a novel I read, that I feel describes the situation well:

"And Dr Fairbairn might not be married at all but might have a partner, and children by that partner. Or he might not be interested at all. That, of course, was the most difficult issue to determine. Irene knew that there were people who were just not interested at all, just as there were people who were not in the slightest interested in tennis. This did not mean that they were resentful of people who played tennis, or of people who like to watch tennis; it's just that tennis meant nothing to them." -Alexander McCall Smith, 44 Scotland Street

Now let's get back to the Doctor.

I'm going to focus on the new series because there's more of a presence of maybe-sexual-maybe-not ambiguity going on there, and also because I haven't actually watched all that much of the old series and I'm an ignoramous. (But look, don't try to tell me the medieval bits of The Time Warrior arc are actually interesting, Sarah Jane is the only person that matters there.)

And we'll also stay modern, because that's where the Doctor gets snogged a whole hell of a lot and that makes for good discussion!

While at first it seems like this is inherently a sexual behavior, there are two types of snogging that seems to occur. There are those women (and Jack) who aim for his lips, and then there are the instances where he makes the move to kiss someone else. In the former category, we find Cassandra-as-Rose ("New Earth"), Reinette ("The Girl in the Fireplace"), Lady Christina de Souza ("Planet of the Dead"), and Jack ("Parting of the Ways"). In the latter, where the Doctor initiates, we have Martha ("Smith and Jones") and Rose ("Parting of the Ways"). What are the differences?

When the Doctor is being kissed, he doesn't seem to mind it terribly and even seems to regard it as a boost to his unflappable ego (well, except for when Donna did it). However, he doesn't dwell on it, try to follow it up with another, or regard it as a special bond between him and the other person (which Lady Christina found problematic.) When he is kissing someone else, there is a purpose. He drew the Time Vortex out of Rose. He commandeered a DNA sample from Martha. He doesn't seem to be acting on a purely sexual attraction or purpose.

In my experience with snogging, I found the exercise rather boring and pointless, to be honest. Just plain kissing is alright- but it doesn't feel sexual or especially intimate. Making out seemed to be just slightly less exciting than a dental examination, though at least when it's the dentist is feeling his way around your molars you'll probably leave with a teeth cleaning. So when people talk about making out with someone, or starting out a relationship (of any sort, hookup to marriage) with that sexual stepping-stone, I understand that it is important and desirable to them like I understand gathering nuts is important to a squirrel. But I don't have an empathetic feeling for it. Watching the sexual behaviors and motivations of others is like watching another species.

To the Doctor, watching the behaviors and motivations of humans is like watching another species... because it is. While all of this shows that the Doctor may have similarities with asexuals, I think it could be more logically interpreted that, like asexuals, he is an Other to the human sexual normative group, and experiences these norms as an outsider.

However, this doesn't mean he is wholly precluded from experiencing intimacy and attraction, as asexuals are not precluded from experiencing intimacy and attraction- as well as loving relationships. Like asexuals, he may just experience different sorts. There are many kinds of attraction besides sexual attraction, such as romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction, or personality attraction. Maybe Time Lords have even more types (that possibly involve licking things? I don't know.) Personally, I'm attracted to people all the time, for their personality or their looks; my relationships with other people (of any sex) can have aspects of romance, of intellectual companionship, and probably other things. I just don't want to squish my private bits with them, that's all.

In another vein of discussion, there are also a lot of common responses that people get when they start telling their friends and family that they are asexual. This, of course, is exacerbated when it gets talked about on the internet, where people can be hateful little trolls hiding behind usernames. But, due to sites like the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) I think visibility and acceptance are growing, and there are a lot of very supportive people out there, as well.

So let's take a look at some of these responses, and what they mean for asexuals and for the Doctor.

• "You're asexual? Oh, you mean you reproduce by yourself?"

I have one word for you: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMS. Yes, that's right. Fandom made that one up, as far as I know, to keep sticking the asexual label on a population that is clearly reproducing. But who knows? Maybe these Gallifreyan Looms are some big hot kinky sex thing and Time Lords consider YOU asexual for not thinking so! More seriously, though, this presumes that asexuals can't have sex, can't have children. That's just not true. Many asexuals are in relationships with sexual people, and have sex, though they might not have the desire for physical act but enjoy the feeling of companionship they get from being with their partner. And there's nothing wrong with our reproductive systems, after all- you wouldn't say a gay man was impotent just because he wasn't attracted to women, would you?

• "Are you sure you're alright? Maybe you have a disease. Maybe your meds are making you think this way. Maybe there's something wrong with your hormones."

Maybe. We should, however, keep in mind that homosexuality was not removed from the DSM-IV as a mental disorder until 1973, where it had first been classified as a "sociopathic personality disturbance". The World Health Organization depathologized homosexuality from ICD-10 in 1992. This is very recent history, where a non-heterosexual sexual orientation was thought to be a disease. And while it is true that certain drugs do suppress your sexual drive, and low testosterone levels do impact sexual development, I have also seen statements from many asexuals saying that they have checked on these things with their doctors, and found them perfectly fine. I have talked to my doctors about various lab tests, hormone levels, and medications, and they have not found anything wrong with me in those regards. But see, here's the problem. If you say the Doctor is asexual, you also can't deny that his physiology, from a human standpoint, has something very wrong with it. Then, when the alt!Doctor does become human in "Journey's End", he seems willing to start a sexual relationship with Rose. Why does this seem to equate human health = sexual? So there again pathologizing comes into play.

• "Don't worry! You'll find the right person someday!"

For some reason, this is considered an appropriate response to "Wow! I have just felt personal freedom in not trying to force myself to like men That Way anymore and wake up some sexual impulse that has never seemed to exist! Let's party!" Instead of buying celebratory drinks, people sometimes seem to think consolation and reassurance is in order. More deeply, though, this realization is something that matters to me: a freedom to express affection in a way I feel comfortable with, a statement of my understanding of myself. And when someone tell me that if I would just fit in with everybody who makes getting laid or getting married be a happy ending it's like they're saying that my current happiness and goal for relationships isn't real, or worthwhile considering. What just happened to my voice?

Let's take a look at the Doctor's story with Rose, though. I ship the Doctor and Rose like FedEx so I admit my analysis is biased, but see what happens? He clings to his supposed asexual identity. He runs from intimacy with her, throws himself down a possibly bottomless pit to avoid mortgages and "I love you"s. But, with the evolution of Ten's identity as he duplicates into a half-human, both Doctors admit that Rose was there, saving him, being the right one for him all along. So the Doctor finally meets the right person and it turns him into a sexual being and they lived happily ever after the end.

And so that relationship model is prioritized above all other type of relationships, in the same line of thought that designates "just friends" to somehow be a lesser relationship than "more than friends".

• "You'll grow out of it!" "You should just try sex, then you'd like it."

Yes, please tell me I don't know my own mind, I really like that. Tell me that, nearly a decade after puberty, no sign of sexual desire means that its just a phase I'll grow out of. Sexual people: did YOU have to have sex to know that you wanted it? (In any fashion, I mean; everybody, of course, develops differently and not everyone will have the same level of urges... obviously.) That is, of course, a strange question: if people didn't want it before they had it then why so much curiosity and activity and parental outrage in regards to teenagers having sex? If people honestly didn't want it, never wanted it, before they had it does that make every loss of virginity a rape?

Yes, I'm a virgin. I have had enough offers to take care of that little condition that I haven't bothered to count them, and since they seem to rely on the gentlemen offering being of the opinion that their penis is just oh-so-magical that it would make me want men after all, I'm rather disinclined to take anybody up on that offer. (Does that EVER work on lesbians? Just wondering.) But, just for the sake of musing, let's say I was to have sex. Maybe it would be uncomfortable, maybe it would be pleasant, maybe it would be really nothing more than the "vaginal penetration" it says on the can. So then I've done it, but I still am not attracted to men (or women), because, good experience or not, this orientation of not associating desire and intimacy with sexual behavior is still the way I understand and relate to the world. What then? Do I have sex again and again, with different people, trying to force myself to understand things differently? What about the consent issues involved, if I don't really enthusiastically and knowledgably say yes, I want to do this?

When do I begin losing myself in trying to be something I'm not?

(Sorry. I don't know that I have a Doctor Who parallel for this.)

• "Asexuality? There's no such thing. Everybody has sexual urges."

The Doctor may be fictional. But I'm not.

• "Asexuality? After my last three relationships, I should give that a try!"

Well, since asexuality has everything to do with attraction and orientation and isn't dependent upon whether or not you're having sex, if you still experience sexual attraction then celibacy is probably the closest you can get. But hey, asexuals might think you're more interesting to be around, the more things you have on your mind besides getting laid. ;)

• One that I haven't gotten but always feel like there's the possibility: "Asexuals are just unattractive people who can't find anyone who would WANT to have sex with them."

See above, re: multiple magic penis offers. More than that, if you keep an eye on www.ksutalon.com for the upcoming Fall 2009 issue, you will see me featured in Talon Magazine's "KSU's Lust List", a list of the hottest students of my alma mater's campus. The magazine called me back for this after I had graduated. Booyah.

And if the Doctor is asexual after all, instead of just alternatively-specied? David Tennant sure wasn't a bad choice for an asexual look.

In any case, whether you identify as straight, gay, bi, an above-the-waist lesbian, a gay man who sleeps with women most of the time, asexual like me, or anything else: Be yourself, be healthy, be loved, and be happy.




Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)

Asexy Beast: The One Percent Club blog

A British documentary on three asexuals in Warwick (part 1 | part 2 | part 3)

Wikipedia entry on asexuality.

Comments

[goldy-dollar.livejournal.com]

Ooh, this is really interesting, thanks!

I've really been actively trying to move away from the LABELS LABELS LABELS that society throws on us all the time, which is more difficult than it sounds. The "don't worry, you'll find someone one day" resonates with me in because even though I don't identify as asexual, I prioritize weird things like school and career and independence ahead of relationships. This baffles most people because all girls are brought up learning that they should "marry rich" or "marry a dentist" or in the very least just get married, and undoing all that socialization is not... always simple.

In any case, whether you identify as straight, gay, bi, an above-the-waist lesbian, a gay man who sleeps with women most of the time, asexual like me, or anything else: Be yourself, be healthy, be loved, and be happy.

Yes! Well said.

And awww, I loved the way you tied this in to Doctor Who. :D I sort of think Rose would have loved the Doctor for whatever form of affection/relationship he would have given her. Ten II works nicely as a happily ever after, I guess, but it might have been more interesting to explore the other kind of relationship they might have had.

[thunderemerald.livejournal.com]

This baffles most people because all girls are brought up learning that they should "marry rich" or "marry a dentist

This is one of the many reasons why living in New York is awesome. In my circle of people, being married is really, REALLY uncommon at best. We're mostly in our late 20's and early 30's, and nobody I know is really itching to settle down. I love that about us. :)

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

I've really been actively trying to move away from the LABELS LABELS LABELS that society throws on us all the time, which is more difficult than it sounds.

Oh, it totally is. Labels are used to identify and control, to determine a space between "Us" and "Them", and they're difficult to avoid. I was trying to be careful to put stuff like "I identify as" instead of "I am" in this essay because I don't believe that sexual orientation is a fixed thing, I don't think I know everything there is to know about myself. For this point, though, the word 'asexual' works as a handy descriptor.

and undoing all that socialization is not... always simple.

It never ever is. I'm lucky that my nearest and dearest aren't pressuring me to get involved with a guy at the moment, so that's good, but I still see all the understated socialization- like I was saying about the "happy endings". In all sorts of stories if a relationship with some overt or hinted-at sex is initiated, then the ending is considered satisfying. So I think a lot of us have somewhere in our minds that if we just initiate that exclusive relationship with the sex in it, we'll get a happy ending too. Except... when does life have endings in it? And what about all the other things that might make you happy? Like those weird things you mentioned, school and career and independence, who wants those? :P

I sort of think Rose would have loved the Doctor for whatever form of affection/relationship he would have given her.

I'm sure she would have. And that's what I love about them- they had this close relationship from the very beginning, really, and except in fanfic there's no way to know for sure that they were having sex or not and it almost doesn't matter. Because we know: they love each other very, very much.

[ninamazing.livejournal.com]

I prioritize weird things like school and career and independence ahead of relationships.

*APPLAUSE*

Dude, I wish I were asexual. Having these pesky sexual desires has not ever seemed to help me, especially since my medications make it about 300 times harder for me to fulfill them! Also jackass boys. *_*

[thunderemerald.livejournal.com]

This is RIDICULOUSLY interesting. In some ways, I'm sitting here, reading, and going "Yeah, this all makes total, logical, perfect sense to me" -- but in some sneaky way that I haven't pinpointed yet, my brain is telling me that it's just been messed with. Which means that I will end up turning these ideas over in my head for a long time, coming back later to ask questions, and possibly working through some of my preconceived notions in the manner of fanfic.

In any case, thank you for writing this! This is a REALLY great essay.

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* I'm so glad you found this so interesting! I know that ever since I started looking into this and finding so many similarities with my own feelings that its really opened up my mind a lot to the different types of relationships that are possible, the unstated expectations and priorities that people make, coded language and socialization, just a lot of really cool stuff.

[thunderemerald.livejournal.com]

One thing that particularly interested me was how you explicitly stated that asexuality does not necessarily preclude romantic relationships. It was something I knew subconsciously, but never really gave it enough thought to know it intellectually. But this sort of coincides with a recent realization in my own life -- I have a friend who I've been in love with for a LONG time, but he is very, very unattainable. (Read: happily married.) He knows how I feel, we've had long discussions about it, and we decided to remain close but platonic, so as not to hurt him, me, or his wife, whom I also adore. But even though we have not crossed any lines, there is often an element of romance that sneaks in. Platonic romance -- is such a thing possible? Oddly... yeah, it is.

With regards to THIS entry, though, is that it's quite interesting that I'm automatically drawing boundary lines differently according to sexual preferences. All three parties involved in my case are hetero (or in my case, bi, but you get the point), which implies interest in sex, which means that the line between platonic and cheating falls between no-sex and sex. For an asexual person in a committed relationship, would the cheating line be drawn differently, since the sex part isn't really of interest? Or is it such an individual thing (for some, cheating = fucking, for others, cheating = kissing, for others, cheating = hand-holding) that there's no real way to answer that without resorting to gross generalization? And if THAT's the case, where would the line fall for you personally?

< /prying questions!>

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

Your relationship with your friend does sound like it intersects with some of the issues of asexual mixed relationships- where one person is free to have the sexual relationship, and the other, not so much. Except in your sense its more of a social reason. But there definitely IS such a thing as a romantic friendship, and it's a concept I like a lot, I guess because it's a dynamic and level I can be comfortable with. I'd say my two closest friendships right now are both romantic friendships, and looking back on my life, I realize that I've had others. (Which totally throws a different light on one almost-not-quite-boyfriend I had that never went where I thought it was supposed to. Huh. I'll need to ponder that, cause I was happy with what we were, but thought that we had to get to the boyfriend-girlfriend stage, and didn't know if I could move it into that context, and got bitter at myself and him because of it, and then he went away and we lost touch.... oh, you live and learn.)

Anyway, more generally speaking, to think about cheating you have to think about types of asexual committed relationships, which, with the exception of the several rather open romantic friendships, I haven't personally dealt with yet. I know that on the AVEN boards there are some people with asexual/asexual relationships, and some with mixed a/s relationships. The a/s ones, of course, have to make compromises- most seem to choose to have some sex, but also explore other methods of developing intimacy. Others choose to compromise by having an open relationship, where the sexual person has partners outside the marriage (or whatever the arrangement is.)

So, just imagining, I think that if I was in any of these arrangements, yes, I would consider fucking someone else cheating- if we hadn't talked about it first. Because whether we had chose to explore our compromises with a good sense of humor and a bottle of wine, or if I had let him go to a friend so she could give him something that I couldn't make mean anything, we would be partners first, making decisions in our lives together. The fucking-someone-else wouldn't be the part that would hurt- it would be us not sharing our evolving inner lives and finding ways that we could be intimate and respect each other's needs. I can imagine being in an open relationship, but like any one of those, there would have to be guidelines. I think I would want my partner to never spend the night in the other person's bed. I might not want him to do anything involving bodily fluids with his mouth (although, tbh, that would maybe more be a case of wanting to be able to kiss him without wondering too hard if he's disinfected first lol.) Maybe we would decide he wouldn't go on dates with the other person. Because when sex doesn't naturally hold that meaning of desire, intimacy, or encouragement, then you have to focus on the things that do, and develop those.

EDIT: I came across this thread, thought it was pertinent. here (http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?showtopic=12261&hl=).

[thunderemerald.livejournal.com]

Okay, I just realized that I never answered this. I am a loser. Also, I have been super distracted by OMG AMY. Anyway.

Thanks for your honest and thoughtful reply -- it seems like my answer should have been obvious. A/A and A/S relationships seem to lie on the same foundation that S/S ones do: communication and honesty. You define exclusive intimacy, specifically for your couple, and you don't stray outside that, whatever it is. That was a dumb question, I guess.

And thanks for the link! That's an interesting board...

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

Not a dumb question at all! And I appreciated the prompt to think about such things, and realize ways that I might do things in the future, and what I've done in the past.

[andi-horton.livejournal.com]

Aw, honey, you just haven't met Mr Right yet! Let's put your profile on match.com and see what gentlemen favour you with their attentions!

*ducks the frying pan*

I outed you to Tabatha in an effort to explain to her why dating does not appeal to me. While I like the idea of a lifetime relationship, I do not now and cannot ever imagine myself enjoying the sex part of that relationship. The intellectual, aesthetic, cuddling-on-the-couch parts, yes, absolutely. But then, I get all that from you too, so whyever would I need to meet somebody with the express purpose of getting to know him well enough to snog him?

(Claire did say, though, that experiencing sex increases your desire for it. So take that as you choose)

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

Let's put your profile on match.com and see what gentlemen favour you with their attentions!

OMG YOU KNOW THOSE YOUTH PASTORS MAKE ME SO HOT IN MY PANTS.

But then, I get all that from you too, so whyever would I need to meet somebody with the express purpose of getting to know him well enough to snog him?

Exactly! ...and this kind of is why the only reason I ever feel like getting married its to all my best friends. I will make them sign a paper saying they will be my best friends forever! Mwahahaha! Wait, that's polygamy and not what most people are looking for, you say?

(Claire did say, though, that experiencing sex increases your desire for it. So take that as you choose)

Oh, I believe that. And who knows? It might apply to us, too. There was a girl in the BBC documentary that I linked to that said that she had sex with a bunch of people, and didn't get anywhere in wanting it more. So maybe that's us. Everybody has different experiences, and no one label or description is going to cover all of them at all points in life, and I guess the most accurate way of figuring it out is just that right now, neither of us see much interest or point in pursuing it and so we shall have fun elsewhere! :P *huggles*

[thunderemerald.livejournal.com]

(Claire did say, though, that experiencing sex increases your desire for it. So take that as you choose)

Why does EVERYONE say that? It's just one more variation on the line I used to get when I was a virgin: "well, at least you don't know what you're missing." I call bullshit. Having now had sex a couple of times, I can tell you right now that my libido hasn't changed at ALL. I'm getting more of a handle on what I LIKE, but in terms of sex in general? Same as before.

(Sorry for the TMI. I guess this topic calls for it though.)

[andi-horton.livejournal.com]

I can't speak for everyone; I know my sister would not have said it if she did not find it to be true, but surely (like so many things in life) it is not true for everybody. Perhaps it's not even true for everybody who says it, although I like to give them the benefit of the doubt and believe that it is-- otherwise we can only assume they are inviting us to have sex and find ourselves similarly dissatisfied and disappointed!

[ninamazing.livejournal.com]

AWESOME POST. Helped me to understand a lot more about asexuality, and there's a loooooot of interesting discussion to be had with regard to Doctor Who as well.

What about the idea that some incarnations of the Doctor were asexual, and others weren't? I generally consider them to be separate people, otherwise my brain would hurt a lot. *_* I'd call One and Four asexual, for example, but not Nine and Ten. Russell definitely made some changes when he brought the show back, but I don't think we need to necessarily reject them — just find a way to incorporate all the canon together. Somehow. *_* IT'S NOT LIKE OLD DOCTOR WHO CARED THAT MUCH ABOUT CANON, TO BE HONEST.

You are a hot mama. ♥ If anyone ever says that last one to you, let me know and we can get Sark to punch them out! WOO!

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

What about the idea that some incarnations of the Doctor were asexual, and others weren't?

That would make more sense than anything ever omg. I think you just solved fandom. We will have an entire PICNIC of brownies in September! :P

You are a hot mama. ♥

*beams*! So weathered2dust's fiance is the photographer for Big City Burlesque (http://www.bigcityburlesque.com/) and says they might be hiring (well, sending out the volunteer call) for stagehand/apprentices and I might be a good fit, with my style and looks. I dunno, it sounds interesting. Or that might just be my crush on Zoetica Ebb of Coilhouse talking.

[shinyopals.livejournal.com]

Interesting post!

I'm responding as someone who, personally, doesn't quite know where she fits on the a/sexuality scale.

Like, for me, kissing was mostly just a dental exam. But it was a dental exam I'd've missed if it wasn't happening within a relationship because it felt like an indicator that things were going all right. I don't identify as asexual, but I sort of feel I have tendencies in that direction.

Anyway, it was definitely a fascinating read.

And looooooooms? Not just fanon. Really. XD They were in one of the spin off novels.

My interpretation of the Doctor's sexuality is basically an interpretation I half stole from my own feelings, half sparklied up a little so I don't write in fics "The Doctor examined Rose's molars with his tongue and wondered thoughtfully if she was getting enough calcium" or "Rose decided that she and the Doctor weren't going to have sex, but they could probably enjoy a game of Monopoly followed by hugging". But I tend to view the Doctor as "sex? Oh, sorry, busy saving the universe for nine hundred years" until Rose (or someone else, since I sort of ship him with other companions) appears and he remembers that he does have a sex drive, he just ignores it. (Although I tend to think Cloen is probably more typical-human in that respect.)

Of course, that's got no more basis in canon than any other theory, it's just how I like to have things because it's basically how things are for me.

And all the dumb questions and assumptions people make seem like a right pain!

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

I don't identify as asexual, but I sort of feel I have tendencies in that direction.

I've always thought of level of sexual interest and motivation as being sort of a bell curve- most people land in the middle, and in lessening amounts there are people who are more interested, and in the other direction in declining amounts there are people with less to no interest. It was actually thinking about sexuality in those terms that made me think of looking up asexuality in the first place and doing some research.

And looooooooms? Not just fanon. Really. XD They were in one of the spin off novels.

Oh? I didn't know that. Though spin-off novels are not very off from being fanon anyway... :P

Haha, I love your description of the Doctor. Cloen probably is the likeliest to take any action on attraction, all the others have been busy and easily distractable. But ninamazing has made the good point that perhaps each incarnation is different- maybe Four and One were asexual, but some of the later ones were somewhere else on that bell curve.

I'm probably abusing statistics terribly for my own purposes, I do apologize, it's been years since I studied it.

[neth-dugan.livejournal.com]

*jumps in*

I spotted a link to this on Delicious and thought I'd pop in with a comment of my own. I'm ace too, some sort of demi-biromantic asexual fuzzy area thingymabob.


Any ho, I generally see the Doctor as demisexual. The different regenerations probably have differing levels of sexuality (with Ten seeming to be the most sexual) but at most I can still only see him as part of the demi/gray aces group.

I think Rose, Rose who he truly fell in love with, deeply and with every part of his being at that point of his life, he could have started to feel sexual desire for (if not really at the levels most human experience it) and just continued to hold back for numerous reasons. Including being a bit scared about it all. And when 10.5 came along aside from now being human with a bit of definately sexual Donna mixed in, in that situation, he opened up more. Didn't hide so much and yeah, maybe got a bit of Donna's sexuality mixed in.

Though thinking that, I'm now wondering how Donna's would change after that entire episode, even with her mind wiped would this part of her change and how would it affect her. How would she deal with it?


But yeah, basically wanted to pop in and say I liked your writing. Your experiences aren't exactly the same as my own but all of us aces are different. It's like the span of all sexuals within the smaller asexual world.


ETA: I should also mention, that using sexual innuendo or being in those situations doesn't make you less asexual. Nine in Empty Child/Doctor Dances is full of Dancing=Sex innuendo but it mostly seems like fun joking about with the people around you and/or from the outside. Hell, I make jokes or hear stuff like that myself lol and I've seen others do it too.

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

Glad you stopped by! Always glad to see a fellow ace and fellow DW fan!

I agree with the Doctor being at various levels of sexuality for his different incarnations; mostly the conclusion I come to is that he's alien, and maybe at some points his sexual behavior coincides with human sexual behavior, but it's not going to naturally be the same- humans don't have the same sexual norms on just this planet, so it seems far-fetched to imagine another species from across the universe will naturally fall into the same patterns. But I do think that the half-human Doctor would probably have an easier time understanding a relationship wtih Rose, and I'm glad that they both got that even though poor Ten gets to be a lonely kicked puppy.

Ooh, I hadn't thought of how Donna might deal with that section of her brain. Very intriguing thought- I mean, most of the Doctor is locked up in her brain, but there's all sorts of subconscious habits and muscle memory and things that can't be pushed back like that, and such instinctual-type memories (both her time-traveling ones and his ones) would probably have a strong influence in a sexual situation.

using sexual innuendo or being in those situations doesn't make you less asexual.

LOL, I got a degree in English and am thus entitled to twist it any way I please. (...that's what she said.)

[mind-the-tardis.livejournal.com]

Annnnd I'm over from my own journal, strangely enough ;P

Asexual's a label I've only come across in the past...year? Two years? I ran into it after hitting LJ hard and getting involved in RP and collecting an increasingly eclectic/liberal flist. It's the one label that I continue to poke at and acclimate myself to and wrap my head around—I think because it both sounds like me and not, and always leaves me wondering if I'm actually asexual-convinced-otherwise. I am 100% certain that I would have labeled myself asexual in college, had I known it was an option. And I don't know where I'd be now, identity-wise, if I'd had that choice available.

It's confusing, for someone who's gone OH HAI same-sex relationship after two decades of nothing, and is still trying to get used to the sex idea. Ye olde trying to decide if I'm breaking down walls I set up as a kid/teenager or if I'm forcing myself to do something because that's how a relationship should be.

Hello, have an identity crisis in your comments!

In more relevant commentary, you hit on the point I've wondered about labeling the Doctor asexual—one, that it seems to often be done by non-asexuals, in a very off-the-cuff, vague-on-what-asexual-actually-means sort of way, which seems dismissive of actual asexual identity and experience, and two, that he's an alien. Not a very alien alien, but it's hard to pin a label of any sort on a character who's supposed to be a 900+-year-old alien dimension traveler (and who's been interpreted by a range of different actors and writers, none of whom seem to have a similar view on who the Doctor is, really, never mind his orientation). He's a troublesome character to try to hold up as representative of a human gender identity.

And, yes, to problem of romance as an end-all-and-be-all in fiction. Even if you do want sex and monogamy, getting one roll in the hay or a wedding ring isn't the end of the ride. Life's always more complicated than that. Presenting any sort of relationship as the Perfect Sort that will never require any work is selling a whole lot of snake oil.

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

Haha this post welcomes identity crises in the comments. Labels Descriptions are such difficult things; I wrote this post nearly a year ago and even so my understanding of myself has evolved. I guess I could be a bi-demi-romantic probably-asexual, but let's face it, that's a mouthful. Today I know that I have some sort of platonic romantic love for all my most intimate friends of both sexes, but I'll likely never have sex with them; maybe that will shift into different things next month, next year, next phase of life. I find every relationship comes with a lot of self-questioning, even now; sometimes I don't know if I'm boldly being the person I should or just trying to have the Specialest Relationships Evar because I don't want to be like all the other straight people or something.

It's interesting to see how fandom perceives asexuality and the Doctor; the people who casually throw the label out there don't appear to be thinking very hard about it, but there are plenty of people on the AVEN boards who seem to be relieved that there is a character they can watch who doesn't go through this sexual trope they can't sympathize with. Maybe it would be more accurate to label the Doctor asexual-sympathetic rather than asexual; I don't know. OR MAYBE IT IS TOO LATE AT NIGHT FOR A VICTORIAN PREOCCUPATION WITH LABELING THINGS.

Romance is so much of a reward for the good in fiction, and I think it gives people... well, not bad expectations, just limited ones. I mean, on the screen, if an unrelated, heterosexual man and woman are together, there must be chemistry leading to romance leading to sex! Or something. And I see people imitating that in real life and thinking there HAS to be UST. And then I go and sabotage all my dates because I get bored with a lack of options so fast, ahahaha. My favorite type of fictional relationships tend to be where people know each other inside and out and are probably too codependent for their own good. That's the sort of thing that a "happily ever after" is only the beginning of.

[mind-the-tardis.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I don't know if I'm boldly being the person I should or just trying to have the Specialest Relationships Evar because I don't want to be like all the other straight people or something.

I wonder that about myself, often. It's like, well, you, you would go for making it umpteen-thousand times more complicated by going for binational same-sex instead of the boy-next-door. The boy-next-door would be easy. Reincarnate as someone less obstacle-prone, eh?

But, yeah, self-definition seems to be a state that gets flux-y easily. Or can be rock-solid. Or can flux and then be solid and flux again. There really doesn't seem to be an endpoint, to selfhood—even though I often wish there was one. It would be simpler.

Maybe it would be more accurate to label the Doctor asexual-sympathetic rather than asexual.

I like that! That makes perfect sense to me.

I mean, on the screen, if an unrelated, heterosexual man and woman are together, there must be chemistry leading to romance leading to sex! Or something. And I see people imitating that in real life and thinking there HAS to be UST.

Yeah. It gets really, really wearing. They're going to end up together because they happen to be of opposite genders and are both main characters. Everyone's a main character in real life, and no one is obligated to fall for the member of the opposite gender in closest proximity to them. And I hate being around guys and going SHIT DO YOU THINK I'M SIGNALING are you signaling are there signals here at all help can't we just talk :\

My favorite type of fictional relationships tend to be where people know each other inside and out and are probably too codependent for their own good.

Yep, mine, too. Where it's obvious that, as people, not just as Fated Members of the Opposite Sex, they really, really need and know each other and fit together. Granted, I tend to like my fictional ones with a bit of dysfunction (Doctor/Master, anyone?), but, yeah. Even if there is sex, it's sex that's driven by a real need for the other person, not just by a sense of obligation.

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

Oh my god we are like so much the same person.

Reincarnate as someone less obstacle-prone, eh?

Haha that's a good way to put it. I keep meaning to ask my gay BFF if he ever feels like he's just making things complicated for the sake of... well, vanity, I guess. On United States of Tara, there's a gay teenage boy named Marshall who said, "I didn't think of myself as gay, I thought they'd invent a new word for me. Like, yeah, I like guys, but I like classic film just as much. So what am I?" ("Still gay," was the answer.)

Theoretically, I know that the questions and the journey are really more important than the answers and the destination, but sometimes it is hard to remember, when I wonder how I seem to have started going out with a guy while making it clear I won't be his girlfriend.

And I hate being around guys and going SHIT DO YOU THINK I'M SIGNALING are you signaling are there signals here at all help can't we just talk :\

THIS. I wish I could be as oblivious as I used to be of that sort of thing, I was a lot happier and occupied my mind with many more interesting things, like dinosaurs.

Where it's obvious that, as people, not just as Fated Members of the Opposite Sex, they really, really need and know each other and fit together.

Doctor/Master definitely, and Holmes/Watson (and House/Wilson, same diff) and Holmes/Russell (in Laurie R. King's series), Nick/Nora (The Thin Man)... those kind of pairings.

As for characters by themselves that I like from an asexy standpoint, I actually like odd ones- Brennan, on Bones, who is very enthusiastic and positive about sex, but she doesn't connect it with romance or relationship, and her closest relationship, with Booth, is (by her choice) not sexual at all. another is Belle du Jour, of Secret Diary of a Call Girl- I like the book more than the show, but she has a detached view of sex- she can step back and look at it from the outside, which is something I can get. And she writes about London with such love, which I love too.

There's a blog linked on the right sidebar of my lj- The One Percent Club. I think you might find it interesting!

[mind-the-tardis.livejournal.com]

Like, yeah, I like guys, but I like classic film just as much. So what am I?

XD Really, media/society does put such emphasis on relationships that it's hard to figure out what's what people have told you (theoretical impersonal you) you should want and what's what would actually make you happiest/best able to live and thrive. I've crushed on guys but not been interested in sleeping with them and felt a total failure for that, and I'm in a relationship now with a woman, and always wondering what I actually want. I think that's what it comes down to, really—always wondering, and being okay with trying whatever you happen to be trying at any time, even if other people are doing something different.

That's the hard part. There are so many different ways of living! There's, for me, always this feeling that maybe I've got the wrong one, because, hell, there are so many options. I guess you have to go with the moment, sometimes.

I wish I could be as oblivious as I used to be of that sort of thing, I was a lot happier and occupied my mind with many more interesting things, like dinosaurs.

Yep XD I spent my childhood vehemently denying anyone who suggest me and my best (male) friend were 'kissing in a tree.' No, dammit. WE'RE JUST FRIENDS. And then everyone's hormones kicked in and life became puzzling.

Yesss, Holmes/Watson. I'm trying to think of other good relationships like that. Hm. Knives/Vash, but that's an old anime one. I likes me some nemesises.

Individual characters are harder. Giles! Giles from BtVS was awesome. Not asexual, but he has his own space and was his own person. Aeryn Sun, in Farscape, because, though she ended up in a relationship, she also got to keep her personality. Reki in Haibane Renmei. Hm. I'm trying to come up with characters who don't end up in relationships, and it's damned hard. It's like the Shakespearean comedy conclusion point so many narratives aim for—everyone's dead or everyone's married (or paired off).

I'll check it out! It looks well-written.

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

There's, for me, always this feeling that maybe I've got the wrong one, because, hell, there are so many options.

There’s a passage I read in Dorothy L. Sayers’ Gaudy Nights last night in chapter 9, I believe, that I wish I could post for you, but it’s way too long. Basically one character, talking about the big things you choose in your life like your career path or the person you marry, was saying that you don’t make fundamental mistakes on the things that matter to you; you can’t. If you do, it means that it doesn’t really interest you, because if it did, you would be paying enough attention not to make those mistakes. The crushes I’ve had have been guys in relationships, or gay guys, or fictional people, or straight women; the most intimate relationships I have are with people like [Bad username or site: ”andi_horton” @ livejournal.com] who’s basically the clichéd Heterosexual Life Partner (even if both of us are less interested in sex with guys than we are with each other) or with my friend Kris, who only likes guys. If I really wanted sex, I think I wouldn’t be making so many mistakes in being close only with people who can’t give that to me.

I guess what it comes down to is that when you wonder who you are, the only real answer is “the person that’s doing the asking.” :P

Hm, I can’t think of any other enemy OTP’s right now either, and that makes me sad. I like that dynamic.
Giles! Yes. Also Veronica Mars in the first season or so, because even when she was going out with someone, they were pretty peripheral to HER being awesome. Sheldon Cooper (of Big Bang Theory) is often held up as the asexual patron saint, but I think that he has some pretty obvious Aspergher’s or something like it, which complicates a simple label. I did, however, like when Penny asked, “What’s Sheldon’s deal? Men? Women? Sock puppets?” and Leonard answered, “Sheldon… he has no deal.” Which I think does sum things up rather nicely.

I like the One Percent Club blog because something I’ve seen whenever asexuals start talking is a giant negativity towards sex, which is a pretty tenuous basis for any sort of identity or community. This blogger focuses more on types of love outside of mainstream definitions, which I think is very positive and cohesive.

PS Wanna be LJ friends? *bats eyelashes*

[mind-the-tardis.livejournal.com]

I guess what it comes down to is that when you wonder who you are, the only real answer is “the person that’s doing the asking.” :P

Exactly. That's what I come back to. The whole issue of "WHO AM I and am I correctly being me," the only logical answer is well, of course you're you, you can't be anyone else, and you can't really screw up at it, either. Even though it can feel like it >_>

Sheldon Cooper (of Big Bang Theory) is often held up as the asexual patron saint, but I think that he has some pretty obvious Aspergher’s or something like it, which complicates a simple label.

Yeah, that complicates things quite a bit. I don't think equating asexual with 'has difficulty interacting socially' is really something that I'd want. Difficulty with social interaction gets pinned onto so many characters with traits that society sees as 'not normal' (like liking SF/F, even :\).

I like the One Percent Club blog because something I’ve seen whenever asexuals start talking is a giant negativity towards sex, which is a pretty tenuous basis for any sort of identity or community.

Basing an identity/group on general condemnation really limits a group, I think. You can spend time tearing down, then, but that only gets you so far—it's not particularly whole, just being opposed to something monolithically.

Ramblerambleramble, my brain is failing me at eloquence right now, for some reason. Wake up, brain!

And sure! Meta = secret sneaky device for collecting LJ friends.

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

I don't think equating asexual with 'has difficulty interacting socially' is really something that I'd want.

There are SO many varieties of experience along the sexual/asexual continuum that mixing up genuine issues of social discomfort with other issues of sexual identity really doesn't do justice to either issue.

But then again, I went to a meetup of local asexuals once and I guess it was nice, but I sort of felt like I didn't fit in, because everyone was talking about how they never ever go out with people and they're not social at all... and that's not me. I mean, I'm not the biggest party girl ever or anything, but hanging out with several people, drinking, mixing outrageously dirty jokes in with discussions on literature and physics- that's much more up my alley.

You can spend time tearing down, then, but that only gets you so far—it's not particularly whole, just being opposed to something monolithically.

I was reading about that in regard to social and church movements in some book awhile back- something by Jacques Barzun or Michael Polyani, I think- about how there are phases of social revolutions: you have a group, then you have all the people who don't fit in who gather together to bitch about the group. Then those people run out of steam and have to form a new doctrine or code or theme to keep going, and after several false starts and a few instances of groups branching off, they do. Until they get to be so established and sure of themselves that the disenchanted form groups to bitch about them, and the whole cycle starts again.

And I think that the GLBT movement in general has really gotten a good start on that- and it helps that they have some concrete ways to live it out, if that makes sense; if you want to show you don't adhere to heterosexual norms, you can kiss your girlfriend in public, and everyone recognizes that you don't live a heterosexual life. If you're asexual and not adhering to those norms, you... get to walk around looking like an unmarried person. If I don't go out with a man, I'll be consoled for being single; if I go out with a woman, I'll be assumed to be a lesbian. Either way, without announcing anti-sexuality (not necessarily as a hostility to sexuality, but just announcing a negative status) there is little established way for me to not be defined by other people. It's an interesting conundrum, and one I feel I'm often navigating.

FRIENDS YAY!

[mind-the-tardis.livejournal.com]

But then again, I went to a meetup of local asexuals once and I guess it was nice, but I sort of felt like I didn't fit in, because everyone was talking about how they never ever go out with people and they're not social at all... and that's not me. I mean, I'm not the biggest party girl ever or anything, but hanging out with several people, drinking, mixing outrageously dirty jokes in with discussions on literature and physics- that's much more up my alley.

I plead guilty of not seeking out social situations and largely being uncomfortable in them—but I think it's more a matter of trying to hang out with people whose version of 'party' is much different than mine (mine is we-shall-chill-and-goof-off-a-bit-and-talk-about-life; a lot of people I know it's beer-pong-and-getting-drunk, which I flail at. It is not my land!). I need to go hunt down English majors or something.

and the whole cycle starts again.

I've been reading cultural theory (for fun, I'm like this) and it talks about the same thing—how people are kind of...fractals, in social organization. You have a group, then you have groups within that group and groups within those groups all the way down to the individual level, and they're always shifting in power. And I definitely see that in the LGBTQ/GLBT/etc. movement.

And I've thought about that—the question of how do you make asexuality visual? Same-sex relationships get to cheat, in a way, because we can steal the 'codes' from straight sexual relationships to perform visibility. Asexuality, I don't know what can be used.

Woot, friends \o/

[vergoldung.livejournal.com]

Oh wow. Stalking you and your tags most definitely wins best idea of the day. And I'm sorry that I'm butting in on you again when we've never talked before, but I'm so choked up right now that I just need to let you know how glad I am that I found this post.

I tried to skip as much DW spoilers as I could (as I am only watching season two) but lbr nothing could have kept me from reading on. I just, I'm so ridiculously emotional right now and I have no idea how to express my feelings because they are just so damn overwhelming and all over the place. I hope you won't mind if I'm a little incoherent.

It's actually the first I've ever come across somebody in fandom that identifies as asexual and granted I haven't been in fandom for a very long time, but it makes me want to cling on to you for life and never let you out of my sight /creep.

Reading this post was such a wonderful experience for me, because of how strongly the fact that you're a person shines through. And I suppose that sounds silly, but as useful and educating 101's/articles are, I never feel as viscerally understood/accepted/recognized as I did reading your meta.

I don't know what I identify with at the moment, but I would say that grey asexuality is probably the closest to home (--I still have a lot of figuring out to do). But I know that I identify as a person, a person who is whole and legitimate in her needs, discomforts and aspirations. And your post made me feel that much more whole and legitimate.

Thank you so much for sharing.

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

Oh my god, honey, stalk freely! *massive hug* I am always up for making new friends, and I'm so glad that you went ahead and commented and everything.

I wrote this post several years ago, not long after I first came to the conclusion that I was asexual. There was so much that I just did not GET on a fundamental level of experience and communication, that other people, who were having sex, did get. I think it's like being colorblind- someone can describe how great the color red is and what it's like, but you never really actually experience it for yourself. I thought that over time maybe I'd change, or learn more, and I have, but not how I thought. I've learned that there's more sexual-level communication going on than I had ever realized, and that if you have a good time talking to a guy and it's late after a long week and you lean your head on his shoulder and you've been talking about Stephen Fry and he says he's got some QI on his tivo and you're a little too tired and drunk to feel like driving home right that second and watching tv on his couch sounds awesome so you follow him home... that's all but screaming LET'S HAVE SEX apparently. I would love to cuddle someone, I would love to share tv shows with someone, I literally feel nothing personal when somebody's kissing me or gets my shirt off... but I do hate the secret codes and the fact that I have to convince other people that no, I am aware I sent all the interested signals, but I don't live in a sexual world.

I still make out with a ton of guys and ladies for shits and giggles, though. i'm asexual because sex doesn't mean anything to me, not because it's distasteful, but that's just my deal. Other people are different.

My best friend, who I met online over ten years ago, is now pretty much my girlfriend; she is asexual as well, and we have less than zero interest in ever having sex with each other. But we've been part of each other's lives so long that neither of us can fathom a future that doesn't have each other in it, and after I get my Master's degree and she adopts a child, we're planning to get a house and move in together. It's not what everybody thinks is happiness, this sexless life partner thing we have, but it's OUR happiness, and we've made it ourselves.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that yes, you're a real person. Okay, you're probably missing some milestones, like that special first kiss, that special first time having sex, because they weren't significant. You make your own milestones. You find out who you love and you love them however you love them. If someone tells you that there's something less than whole about you, that you're sick or damaged or need to let them in to be your missing piece, walk away: they don't respect your needs. Don't trust people who don't listen to the word 'no' on little things, because they don't respect your 'no's. Pursue what you want to do in life because when you do you'll find people you have things in common with, you'll make relationships that aren't the heterosexual romantic typical relationships and you'll have as many types of relationships as you do people you love and you will not die alone.

You can talk to me anytime, seriously. *hugs*

[vergoldung.livejournal.com]

♥ ♥ ♥

Gah, I'm so rude for only getting back to you now. (Real life is my sworn enemy. Plus, once I'm late, I tend to get terrible comment axiety, which is the stupidest thing ever.) But you should know that your loving answer stayed with me ever since I read it, like a warm and fuzzy blanket of comfort. So thank you for that *hugs back with much affection*

First of all, I cannot find the right words to articulate how happy your adoption projects made me. Honestly, this is the most beautiful love story I have heard in quite a while. I am so glad you shared it with me :') especially because this is something I've been secretely mapping out for myself too. For way too long, I've let the classical construction of family define my needs, but now I'm finally starting to free myself from the idea that my partner also needs to be the father/mother of my children. No. I can build the family that I want. And this thought is so liberating :)

Right now, I'm in this weird place where I still don't know how I should define myself because I feel that I'm lacking important information to do so? I still feel like I'm cheating whenever I use the term asexual, because on occasions (admitedly rare) I've actually been turned on enough to know that I've wanted sex for me and nobody else. And also because I don't really mind sex (when I'm in a good place), it's just that I don't really need it... At least I haven't until now. But at the same time it feels so absurd that I only started questionning my being sexual three years after I started engaging in regular intercourse (with my first real boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend)... What even!

What you say about being unsure about the sex-loaded codes is very interesting to me! Even more so because I am the exact opposite. I've come to realize that I am, and always have been, extremely anxious whenever people display a desire for me that is (or could easily become) sexual. I'm so hypersensitive to it that when I'm not with people I fully trust, I will turn cold and distant as soon as I register any kind of flirting, in fear that my flirting back could be misinterpreted and indebt me to something --which I know is absolutely ridiculous, but it's also very difficult for me to rational about this ;).

Indebting is definitely the key word here though. My biggest problem with sex is the fucked up way with which I approach it. Most times it makes it impossible for me to figure out why I agree to it. Is it because I feel obliged? out of love? the desire to both please and conform? Or can I actually say that what motivates it has something to do with me and my pleasure? But that's the problem with sex in a relationship : it can never be only sex and there are a lot of reasons for me to want (to want) it that have nothing to do with physical desire. And the fact that I am insecure about the truth of my desire makes me terribly uneasy because it makes me feel so out of touch with my own body. Plus, not knowing exactly what I want puts me in a very vulnerable position of passivity. Which ugh. Makes everything related to sex that much more intrusive and not-mine.

[vergoldung.livejournal.com]

I don't know. I've only become aware of my inherent issues with sex during the past year, once I had a "valid" reason to refuse sex and call in the asexual card, because I felt legitimate in doing so. I had an abortion in January and I was utterly libido-less for months after that, but for once I did not feel like this was something I had to fix or apologize for (okay that's a lie, I did apologize, but as much as I hated frustrating him, I still didn't feel in the wrong). This is when I first started researching asexuality more thoroughly and slowly begun looking at my sexuality (and the way I position myself when confronted with sexuality) as a whole and not just post-abortion-trauma.

But the thing is that all the times where I'm incapable to have sex remain a reality that I'm not fully equiped to deal with when in a relationship. Especially because I established myself (or let myself be established?) as sexual right from the get go, shapping the fundament of our relationship-dynamic as being both sexual and romantic. So when I started pulling back into demi-sexual territory, it strongly affected our relationship --to the point where I would wish for more libido in order to fix things and free me from the guilt of being inadequate (which is such a maddening thought why why why). So a lot of the times I would agree to sex because I couldn't take refusing him anymore, which only solidified my fucked up self-sacrifying approach to sexuality. Which makes me furious because I know that on occasions, when I feel in full control and pressure-free, when I am needy enough to be the active party, I can actually enjoy sex and it doesn't have to be this huge scary thing that I owe to people. But since my neediness is pretty slim, at times even unexistent, I end up being passive as fuck and very uncomfortable. (God, I'm so glad to be single now!)

Obviously, my self-definition is very limited by the fact that all my sexual experience is linked to one person/dynamic/relationship. So I don't know what the future will bring. Maybe in a different dynamic I will discover a whole new side of my sexuality, maybe not. But in any case, I hope that I learn to embrace asexuality/demisexuality/sexuality in a strong and healthy manner. And it's incredibly inspiring to me, to see you being so strong and happy :)

Pursue what you want to do in life because when you do you'll find people you have things in common with, you'll make relationships that aren't the heterosexual romantic typical relationships and you'll have as many types of relationships as you do people you love and you will not die alone.
Crying. This is so beautiful. Thank you :')

I really really appreciate you giving me a space to talk about this <3 and I hope this wasn't too TMI *hides*

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

You can feel sympathy for another's sexual feelings/frustration while not feeling like you need to make it better. Although it does sound like you should spend plenty of time figuring out what you do want so that you don't get in that position of making your sexuality about satisfying a partner. And since it sounds like mixed-libido-level relationships aren't healthy/sustainable for you, maybe keep that in mind for your next relationship, that you need someone who doesn't need sex that much either, but does enjoy it sometimes. Even if your interested periods don't match up, at least you can function as equals. You can consciously decide whether you're going to have sex while not feeling sexual based on how active you want to be in it, and receive the same respect in return. Whoever you're with should be understanding and willing to work with your needs; you're clearly willing to do the same when you care for someone.

I hope this wasn't too TMI *hides*

Jeez, there is very little that is TMI and any sort of health issue doesn't even fall anywhere on that scale. Here's some TMI that kind of goes along with your post-abortion feelings: a few years ago, I had a transvaginal ultrasound for an ovarian cyst. No one told me when I signed the informed consent that I wasn't getting an ultrasound that involved a sensor on my belly- it turned out to be a giant dildo of doom type of medical test. And I had realised before that that I was asexual, but it was more an emotional thing. But that made it physical, too. I haven't even worn tampons since then because my vag just doesn't like things in it, and that's one of the reasons I haven't gotten around to having sex, I think my vag has decided it's closed for business. And I KNOW that that isn't the same as sex, but... for me, personally, I don't think that it would be different from sex. And I couldn't stand it if I had someone I trusted and they liked me and hoped sex would mean something between us turned out to be... that. Nothing more. And I would have hurt someone I cared about by making them feel undesirable because it's all so impersonal, to me.

Anyway. I should work, I think I'll go over to the pub tonight to see if the guy I almost hooked up with a month ago is still my friend or if he thinks I'm a total bitch for leading him on (not that I care either way, but he IS the chef at my favorite pub and I'm not about to give that up), and I just am glad you're exploring your needs and finding out what's good for you and what will make you happy. :)

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

I just looked up where you are to see if you were within a six-hour drive of me because I just want to take you out for coffee and talk. But alas, you are not. I want to give you all the hugs, though, and I'm so glad that I could say anything helpful.

Honestly, this is the most beautiful love story I have heard in quite a while.

*blushes* Well, it happened after years of laughing at the list we kept of all the people who thought we were lesbians (her dad, my grandmother, a shoe saleslady at a mall in Fredericton) and there isn't really a place we could point at to say where anything changed, because nothing changed. We just slowly started saying out loud what we already knew, that we were each other's Person, that life would be a sadder place if we weren't doing it together. Even though we're countries apart and years from making our own home, we're together.

Defining yourself is awkward, and frankly only useful as a framework- like abstaining from having sex with people you don't want to have sex with: uh, okay, do you want a Pride parade with that? But at the same time, if you DON'T have the knowledge that the definition exists, and the only definition you know is one where relationships are romantic and that turns into sex which turns into marriage which turns into babies, then finding out that there are other alternatives than dying alone while your 25 cats eat your face is really liberating. So, sometimes you're asexual. Sometimes, you have phases where that changes. Sometimes you feel romantic. Sometimes romance is the last thing you want. Out of the whole romantic/sexual spectrum, I don't think that sexuality is ever fully static. I think it's something that's accurate for the time you say it's accurate.

And you know, sometimes asexuals are perpetually virgin; sometimes they sleep around a lot, looking to see if they can finally find the person who will turn them on. There's nothing wrong with either. There's nothing wrong with questioning your sexuality after being sexual for years. It just means you're maturing and becomnig more self-aware.

Oh, god, sex-loaded codes. Like, I don't usually get when somebody's interested in me, and I don't know what signals I give off. But, for example, a while back I got drunk with a bunch of friends and one guy who I had sorta fancied for awhile started getting touchy, putting his hand on my leg and holding my hand and all that snuggly precursor stuff. And I liked it. But when I woke up the next morning (with a broken collarbone, but that's a whole other story) I never wanted to see him again. Even though I still liked him. Even though we were still friends. I just wanted to completely block him out.

And I do that, every single time. Because emotionally, let alone sexually, I can't reciprocate the expected feelings. And I'm an overachiever: I DON'T FAIL AT EXPECTATIONS. But you can't win at feelings, so I can't start a romantic project like that.

I feel the indebted thing too. I know you always hear "you shouldn't feel like you owe him sex or anything" but... even if you know that, maybe the guy doesn't, and then you have to deal with HIM thinking you are saying more than you are, and that's just drama ain't nobody got time for.

I've heard a lot of asexuals in mixed relationships have sex and don't dislike it because it makes the person they love happy, and that's pleasure enough. I've never been in that position. All my sexual experiences are just... two bodies, in contact with each other. I have no objection, I just certainly have no desire, and I think it takes a lot for anybody to sort out what's genuine sexual desire for a person and what is all the stuff that goes along with it.

[vergoldung.livejournal.com]

You are the nicest omfg! And I can't stand not being friends with you a second longer, so this is me going ahead and friending you. Especially because I saw/stalked the fact that you have intense LBD feelings too!!! #things of importance

And everything you say is making me feel wonderful and gah you put things perfectly.

And since it sounds like mixed-libido-level relationships aren't healthy/sustainable for you, maybe keep that in mind for your next relationship, that you need someone who doesn't need sex that much either, but does enjoy it sometimes. Even if your interested periods don't match up, at least you can function as equals. You can consciously decide whether you're going to have sex while not feeling sexual based on how active you want to be in it, and receive the same respect in return. Whoever you're with should be understanding and willing to work with your needs; you're clearly willing to do the same when you care for someone.
WORDS OF WISEDOM. I definitely would feel safer in such a dynamic.

The transvaginal ultrasound sounds like a terrible uncomfortable exam and I'm so sorry you weren't properly warned :( Nobody should get to stick things into your vagina, without you explicitly agreeing to it. Medical exams are a the devil.

What about the chef? Is he still your friend? I really hope so :D

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

Added you as a friend too! I post about all sorts of things, LBD is full of feels for me lately, and Once Upon a Time, and Avengers (mostly Natasha Romanov, omg lovvvvveeeee her) and I'm trying to write a big meta post about the pilot for The Americans which is totally intriguing me at the moment, and the rest of stuff is personal griping about work, headaches, and the combination thereof. :P

I hear there are totally guys out there who are not "just after one thing" as the cliche goes. One of my best friends got out of a longterm relationship with a graysexual/near asexual guy and he's sweet, I'd love for him to find some nice geeky girl to get together with. But he's in New Hampshire and I only knew him through my friend or else I'd be setting him up with people lol.

I am actually finishing up work for the day and going to go change my shirt and put on some makeup and head to the pub and see if I can casually bump into The Chef! We'll see how that goes, I'll let you know. I have a feeling it'll be okay, even though I did have to explain myself DURING hooking up rather than before, as is preferable (no seriously I dare you to start saying "Actually I'm not straight. Sex isn't really my hobby. I'm asexual. I have a girlfriend. Yes, all that really. I'm going to use this experience to write more accurate fiction" while topless and making out with great energy AND THEN NOT BURST OUT LAUGHING AT THE SHEER ABSURDITY OF IT ALL), I did kiss him goodbye at the door and we smiled and I think that's leaving things on a good note, right? ...Merf, this requires me getting my ass off the couch, okay, I suppose I shall do that.

[vergoldung.livejournal.com]

LBD is the actual worst. Like, it's ruining my focus for everything and guh it needs to stop tearing my heart out. The last episde, I just cannot with it. I CANNOT. Lydia baaaabe D:

I heard that too :P but I feel like a lot of guys don't feel comfortable being less sex-inclined because of all the stupid stupid masculinity standarts AND ISN'T THIS JUST THE WORST?! The world is so messed up.

I'm going to use this experience to write more accurate fiction
HAHAHA I LAUGHED SO HARD :D Truer words tbh. Awkward coming outs are always love (and laughing about them is the sane way to do them I think). I haven't actually had the occasion to practise mine in real life, because I'm still grossed out by people (I am a drama queen, let me be). But whenever I get a flinker of attraction for a friend (because lbr I am just not attracted to strangers ever), I die of excitement :D regardless of the fact that I'm absolutely not ready to do anything about it, it's just nice to feel a pull towards somebody again. And to know that I still want to engage with people! It's just going to take a bit more time for me to figure out on what level. But yup ~attractions are the light of my life and everybody gently pets me on the head whenever it happens, because I will jump around and be all bouncy 'omfg I just had an attraction! isn't this the best thing ever!?'.

And I love that you are having fun kissing him because KISSING ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS. Seriously, kiss buddies should be a thing. We should make it a thing. Everybody would love it.

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

DID YOU SEE LYDIA'S TWEETS EARLY THIS MORNING. And GDubs has unfollowed every last Bennet DOWN TO KITTY on twitter. He deserves a giant punch in the cock, and I want to take Lydia and Gigi to Disneyland. HALP.

Embracing the absurd in all sexual adventures is a healthy approach, I think. Gives you good stories to tell, anyway, and it keeps you sex positive and not down on yourself when you can't want what "normal" people want.

Kiss buddies should totally be a thing. Okay, it IS a thing with me, since pretty much all of my friends are up for it and none of them take it seriously so mostly there's just a lot of no-expectations kissing and it's great!

[vergoldung.livejournal.com]

WHAT TWEET I DON'T FOLLOW THE TWEETS DAMMIT BUT TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE and who is GDubs is it william because he needs to DIE IN A FIRE after his cock gets punched repeatedly!!

I AM EXPERIENCING TURMOIL ONLY LOOKING AT YOUR REACTION aMSLJDMLJAMLJS

UGH THIS SHOW IS THE DEVIL

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

YOU DON'T READ THE TWEETS. OKAY. GO TO MY TWITTER LIST FOR ALL THE LBD ACCOUTS AND READ (https://twitter.com/intrikate88/lbd). Basically after Lydia posted her video saying she loves George Wickham, the sex tape site went up the next day, you probably saw the most recent episode where Lizzie confronted Lydia about it and Lydia was stunned... and then like around I guess midnight California time Lydia just started tweeting at George (yeah, GDuubs, @TheGWickham) to just call her and explain. Except he's unfollowed her, he's unfollowed everybody, HE EVEN UNFOLLOWED KITTY BENNET, WHICH, WHAT. I don't know if you're watching Gigi's videos but she and Fitz are trying to take down the sex tape website, Darcy doesn't want Gigi getting involved, and it's all a giant clusterfuck. AND WHERE IS JAAAAAAAAAAANE.

Tomorrow's Thursday. There'll be a new video up. And MAYBE Lydia will be able to post one Friday? She's in rough shape, I don't know.

[vergoldung.livejournal.com]

THANK YOU DARLING THIS GREAT I AM TOTALLY SAVING THAT LINK FOR FUTURE REFERENCE

And my my my I must be really tired to mix up William and George (in my head I meant George!!! but somehow it short-circuited)

GOD THIS GUY I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYBODY THIS HARD SINCE PHOEBUS :@ HOW DARE HE EXIST. AND WHO WOULD UNFOLLOW KITTY. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. HE NEEDS TO DIE IN PAINFUL CIRCUMSTANCES.

I just watched the last two Gigi vids and MY HEAAAART BABYGIRLS D;

FITZ IS FREE OF FLAW THOUGH and ugh yes I miss Jane too where is she!??

So much angst omfg. Tomorrow needs to happen!!!

[intrikate88.livejournal.com]

Eh, Chef Boy didn't show, apparently he's been helping the owners of the pub open up a new place in another part of town and working on the kitchen and everything. But we texted about the new restaurant quite a bit, so I think that means that he's not gone spontaneous psycho over the hookup-that-didn't happen. He actually said he'd be home later and I was welcome to stop by if I wanted, which I think is code for booty call, which LOL NO.

If I can have my kitchen away from home and we can do nothing more than kiss for the foreseeable future that'd be GREAT? And that's where things maybe seem to be? WHO KNOWS.

What I do know is that I got a damn good ginger mai tai out of tonight's endeavors, and that is the important thing.

[vergoldung.livejournal.com]

Yay for him not going into shock! \o/ (And I love that nickname btw. Chef Boy is a lovely combination.)

Yup, A kiss-only partner in close driving distance would definitely be a good thing to have. /nods

What I do know is that I got a damn good ginger mai tai out of tonight's endeavors, and that is the important thing.
THINGS. OF. IMPORTANCE.