who lives, who dies, who tells your story?

So I've been reading WikiLeaks, and maybe it's the Soviet paranoia of my friend the Siberian Mastermind infecting me, but I'm wondering if the State Department is going to come bursting through my door to arrest me as I type that. (I don't think it's just paranoia, however, that I'm pretty sure Julian Assange will never be extradited anywhere, but will instead be "found after he hanged himself in his prison cell during the night" or something like that.)

Anyway, of course I aimed for the Confidential diplomatic cables: I've been reading spy fiction all my life, what else could I do? And to clear some tabs on Firefox I'm just going to leave these here.

SUBJECT: DINING WITH CHRIS: RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM RELEX 
COMMISSIONER PATTEN

"Summary: Over rubbery fish at an Adenauer Stiftung affair on April 27, External Relations Commissioner Chris Patten touched briefly on why the EU will never be a “real power,” the dubious backgrounds of some of the leaders of the EU’s new members, next steps on Cyprus/Turkey, the differences between a union and an alliance, and Russian President Putin’s “killer’s eyes.”"

I'm so glad that these diplomats are getting paid massive salaries to blog home about the rubbery fish and who thought Putin's eyes are creepy.

SUBJECT: A CAUCASUS WEDDING 

"Though Gadzhi’s house was not the venue for the main wedding reception, he ensured that all his guests were constantly plied with food and drink. The cooks seemed to keep whole sheep and whole cows boiling in a cauldron somewhere day and night, dumping disjointed fragments of the carcass on the tables whenever someone entered the room. Gadzhi’s two chefs kept a wide variety of unusual dishes in circulation (in addition to the omnipresent boiled meat and fatty bouillon). The alcohol consumption before, during and after this Muslim wedding was stupendous. Amidst an alcohol shortage, Gadzhi had flown in from the Urals thousands of bottles of Beluga Export vodka (“Best consumed with caviar”). There was also entertainment, beginning even that day, with the big-name performers appearing both at the wedding hall and at Gadzhi’s summer house. Gadzhi’s main act, a Syrian-born singer named Avraam Russo, could not make it because he was shot a few days before the wedding, but there was a “gypsy” troupe from St. Petersburg, a couple of Azeri pop stars, and from Moscow, Benya the Accordion King with his family of singers."

I want Benya the Accordion King at MY next event. Seriously, if you only read one cable, read this one. This is one wild and hilarious party. There is drunk jet skiing, there are dancing warlords, there is gypsy wank.

SUBJECT: TURKMENISTAN: CAT IMPLICATED IN PRESIDENTIAL
SECURITY INCIDENT

"Another incident reportedly occurred two

months ago that was feared to be an assassination
attempt. It was committed by a cat that ran in front
of the President's car as he was traveling to his
residence in the village of Archibil. (NOTE: Archabil,
20 kilometers from Ashgabat, is located in the
foothills of the Kopet Dag Mountains and is surrounded
by forest. END NOTE) A military lieutenant reported
that an officer from the Presidential Security
Regiment, responsible for safeguarding that particular
area, was fired the following day."

Moscow Embassy, you give me the best times. Nostrovia.